::come slowly, eden

fattiemattie @ 2005-11-12T23:19:00

2005-11-13T07:34:14Z

i discovered your secrets that were too small for anyone to see. i feel better. i know now that you are no better than i am and i don't regret the actions that caused us to hate each other so nicely. you've been gone for so long, yet i manage to think of you every day. sometimes i hate you, sometimes i miss you, and sometimes still, i love you. so i'll have a gin & tonic to forget and you can do whatever it is you do on the bathroom sink to gain some kind of twisted security. later, we can meet at our new home in the gallery of god's mistakes where i'll wipe the blood from underneath your nose and you can hand me a glass of water. people will stop and stare in disgust, but that's what we deserve. i knew we were meant to be.

fattiemattie @ 2005-10-30T13:16:00

2005-10-30T21:23:17Z

they walk about the world with such big steps

in place of your heart, you have the thing that broke it. and that's what you hold onto in order to sustain yourself. if you let that go, there isn't anything left to keep you alive. you're left with no heart and no wisdom to take its place. sure, wisdom turns you angry and bitter, but being empty and apathetic isn't a better alternative. so don't think badly of me for holding onto the past. i think it's brave to feel and cowardly to let go.

fattiemattie @ 2005-09-20T02:29:00

2005-09-20T09:42:31Z

i don't know what's happening to my life, but i hate it. i'm not depressed at all; i think i'm still too shocked to know what i'm feeling. everything came at me when i walked out the door of the place i could once call home. it's not that i'm not welcome back, but the house will be sold by christmas. and, in my new house at christmas, i think i might end up alone. i think a certain friend has just gone crazy. there's no other explanation for it. in this friend's craziness, she's destroying the great support system we all had. for the first time in my life, i work at a place that gets so slow that i feel like i should be doing something other than standing around. i thought this change would be welcome, but it just adds to another thing leaving my life: excitement at work. even my car is changing. it's like i'm stepping into someone else's life. "excuse me, but you've had your turn here. i'm stepping in." i guess i am starting to learn that i crave stability and constants. maybe i'm boring, but that's when i feel the most real. i'm so out of place that i want to fake like i'm crazy just so that i don't have to deal with it. it really has been a serious thought. if this is growing up, world, you can keep it. i'll go back to 17 and stay that age forever. i'm even becoming more reasonable. i used to not want a boyfriend because i was bitter, but now i don't want one because i know i won't have the time. what the hell? i want to be bitter again. my sister went on a date, too. that's not ok, she's still 5 and i pick her up and tickle her when she's sad. fuck this, i'm going to my different room to sleep in my different bed (not kidding).

fattiemattie @ 2005-06-21T01:13:00

2005-06-21T08:15:41Z

"Hey! I'm Tyler and I attend Bellarmine Preparatory School, which is a catholic high school in North Tacoma. Some people tell me that I am self-centered, stuck-up, and I am, but I'm a nice person, like if I see a homeless man, I will throw money at him. So yeah, I'm 16 and I was born in Malibu. I'm a model for moschino and D&G Junior. I love traveling, shopping, and I LOVE SPORTS!!!!! (hopefully I'll letter soon!) I'm kinda of a whore so don't get too attached. If you're old, u better be rich, cuz if not, that's gross! I love going to A&F and the mall with friends! I go to it like all the time, it's kinda sad cuz I know most of the ppl who work there, but hey, it gets me a discount, so I guess I'm set! I have more pix on my myspace which is myspace.com/afmoose1892. so yeah, my sn is aim:iwearthemoose so im me sum tym and we'll chat! fcuk.me is offline" - XY profile

i HATE homosexuals. HATE them.

fattiemattie @ 2005-06-11T17:08:00

2005-06-12T00:24:28Z

i've been asked for an update. i tried to use the excuse that i didn't have anything to write about, but mariko saw right through that one. she knows me too well. i am very angry. very very angry. i'm not angry at anyone, but at situations. ones i refuse to let go of. seeing pictures, hearing familiar sayings, and/or just a memory that hits me from nowhere cause intense feelings of anger. i can't believe the things that have happened. i can't let go because i'm still angry about them and i'm still angry about them because i can't let go of them. this circle of anger has not only destroyed any civility that i may have once had, but it also destroyed any chance i had of getting anything that i actually wanted. and i feel guilty. i feel guilty about the things i've said and done and excuse negative actions or words from others towards me because i feel i deserve them. anger and guilt is just the beginning. i feel ashamed because of how far i've let myself fall. i don't want anyone from my past to see me now. i feel desperate because i haven't even been on a date in about a year and i'm sure that's because i feel way too much anger to let anyone in. i radiate negativity. i feel stupid for how i used to be. i wasn't mature enough to be making the decisions i was forced to make. i was put in situations i wasn't ready to handle. i even tried to make things better years after they had happened and people still can't forgive me. i feel hatred towards those who tell me to let go when they won't let go either. i hate you for hating me; i hate you because i hate myself. and i don't know how to stop.

ps two of my best friends are leaving to backpack through europe within the next couple weeks. be safe, kids. i love you.

pps to online gay boys: nobody wants to hear how hot you or your friends are. want to be attractive? try modesty.

fattiemattie @ 2005-04-26T15:30:00

2005-04-26T22:31:46Z

brandon/robin was in a musical...that he helped write. hope? haha :D

fattiemattie @ 2005-04-25T14:08:00

2005-04-25T21:22:06Z

story time! part 2

so on monday, the sad and lonely boy planned to ask brandon/robin what he had missed during class on friday. so monday morning comes after a long weekend of work and the sad and lonely boy shows up late to his astronomy class as usual. he walks in to head to his usual seat and sees that the seat next to his is occupied by brandon/robin. "that's unusual..." thought the sad and lonely boy. "brandon/robin usually sits in the back on the other side of the room." so the sad and lonely boy sits down, feeling very encouraged. he takes out his notebook. "hey, man." said brandon/robin. "hi." said the sad and lonely boy. "what was your name again?" asks brandon/robin. "the sad and lonely boy." said the sad and lonely boy. "what did i miss on friday?" so brandon/robin takes out his notes and hands the sad and lonely boy friday's notes. the sad and lonely boy opens his notebook and sees spanish notes inside his astonomy notebook. "spanish?" says the sad and lonely boy. "i don't even know spanish." and he crossed out the notes. brandon/robin just watched. so after the notes are copied, he hands them back to brandon/robin and thanks him. "no problem, man." said brandon/robin. the sad and lonely boy kept saying weird and awkward things, including telling the life story of his friend in the class. brandon/robin nodded and politely laughed each time. eventually, brandon/robin reached into his backpack and pulled out breathmints. he tried to do it quietly, but he made a huge noise when he dropped them and the sad and lonely boy laughed. brandon/robin didn't laugh. so brandon/robin eats one and then offers one to the sad and lonely boy who politely declined. after class was over, the sad and lonely boy turned to brandon/robin and said, "does my breath stink?" and brandon/robin said, "what? no, why?" "well you offered me a breath mint and i worry about it..." said the sad and lonely boy. "haha, no, it doesn't stink." the sad and lonely boy then made a funny joke that brandon/robin laughed at. twice. convinced that brandon/robin was straight, the sad and lonely boy said, "see you later!" and brandon/robin said, "bye, man." the sad and lonely boy walked out and gave up.
the end.

fattiemattie @ 2005-04-23T17:20:00

2005-04-24T00:40:42Z

story time!

there once was a sad and lonely boy who just wanted to take an easy science class, so he chose to take astronomy with one of his best friends. the sad and lonely boy was late to class on the first day and was very tired and disheveled looking because he had worked very late the night before. he sat at a random empty seat and accidentally touched the hand of someone next to him. the boy turned to apologize but he froze because it was the hand of a really hot boy who dressed very gay and had perfect hair. the hot boy nodded and smiled and the sad and lonely boy just turned and faced forward. in the weeks after that class, the sad and lonely boy was always late but tried really hard to look somewhat attractive. the hot boy was always there, sometimes with a bow and arrows. the sad and lonely boy began to refer to him as "robin." sometimes robin would smile at the sad and lonely boy, but the sad and lonely boy would pretend not to see it. one day, the sad and lonely boy decided it was time to talk to robin. so the sad and lonely boy stood outside of the astronomy class with his friend. as robin walked by, the sad and lonely boy said, "this might be a dumb question, but is there an archery class here?" robin turned his full attention to the sad and lonely boy and talked and talked and the sad and lonely boy couldn't even look him in the eyes because he had such a big crush on him, but robin was looking him right in the eyes and nowhere else the entire time. then robin said, "i'm brandon. you're in my astronomy class, right?" the sad and lonely boy said yes. they shook hands and brandon/robin hesitated before introducing himself to one of the sad and lonely boy's hot best female friends. she said her name was mary but she was lying. brandon/robin wouldn't even look at her; he was totally focused on the sad and lonely boy. then they said awkward goodbyes. the next day, the sad and lonely boy skipped his astronomy class to help one of his best friends study for her math test. this meant he wouldn't see brandon/robin again until after the weekend, but he had a plan.
to be continued...

fattiemattie @ 2005-04-15T16:42:00

2005-04-15T23:55:07Z

i don't have much to say. at least nothing that everyone hasn't heard before. finding my place is so hard. i had this dream a few nights ago. it was my birthday and my friends were all gone and the rest of my family was in florida for the summer, as usual. i worked and let myself eat as much as i wanted when i got home. while i was eating, i remembered that my work clothes were somewhere in europe, but that didn't really have much to do with anything. the truth is, that might end up being my birthday again. after this dream, a real life series of disappointing events has brought me back to wanting to be old. 69 to be exact. i want to be living with my birds and monkey and cleaning the kids' handprints from my door because they dare each other to touch my house. at least by then i'll be too crazy to realize what i don't have.

fattiemattie @ 2005-04-06T23:01:00

2005-04-07T06:21:32Z

wow. that's all i have to say. sometimes my life really makes me laugh. anyway, i have made the decision to master in business. i feel extremely motivated. my math teacher for calculus laughs like this: "nyahhhh!" and then there's the really hot guy in astronomy who i've talked to twice and made eye contact with a few times. i just need to stop being a fucktard and start paying attention to him when he smiles at me in passing. i keep dropping weight (though a little slower now) and i am starting to buy my skinny clothes. summer is starting to look amazing, despite the fact that two of my best friends will be in europe the whole time. oh, and then there's spanish. i haven't taken it since my junior year in high school. i'm taking advanced first year spanish to complete my foreign language requirements. i'm in a class of 11. it's completely in spanish. she likes to call on me a lot. "quizas...tenga......que comer." haha. and now i have stuff to fill out and send to western. it's time to go back to real life.

fattiemattie @ 2005-03-18T16:59:00

2005-03-19T01:00:39Z

'nuff said.

fattiemattie @ 2005-03-11T16:15:00

2005-03-12T00:21:00Z

so i had an ugly day today. i threw a temper tantrum. clothes are all over my room. i'm fat. i'm nasty. aneta and i both felt this way today about ourselves. i want my hair to be completely different and i want to go tanning on a regular basis and i want to get liposuction. i think i'm going to buzz my head again, since that was the favorite by a landslide.

example:

now i just need to keep losing weight. i'm 173 lbs now (7 down from 180) and i hope to keep losing more. then maybe boys will like me again.

fattiemattie @ 2005-02-27T19:02:00

2005-02-28T03:04:25Z

everything inside aches. every day it takes a little more just to breathe through the pain. it's amazing how much i can care for you and think about you and miss you, yet the last thing i want to do is talk to you. and i don't know why. </3

fattiemattie @ 2005-02-16T17:16:00

2005-02-17T01:18:35Z

click--->seattle freeze? hell, yes. thanks, joe. :D

fattiemattie @ 2005-02-10T01:10:00

2005-02-10T09:12:39Z

i guess it's true. time for me to slowly fade out. that's how the story usually goes, anyway. i have a feeling it's going to be harder to leave this time. good luck! next?

fattiemattie @ 2005-02-05T10:54:00

2005-02-05T18:56:51Z

it's my own fault.

fattiemattie @ 2005-02-02T17:55:00

2005-02-03T02:06:26Z

i finally saw eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i thought for a second that i might've had a tear forming. then i realized that requires a heart and that was the end of it. i've been watching a lot of movies lately. a lot of them. i hate february. i know that it's probably not uncommon, but around valentine's day, i realize how alone i am. then i remember things that happened that lead up to me being alone. nothing significant about the 14th, just that i've always been alone on that day. becca says i've beefed up my calf muscles. the good thing about becca and tiffany is that they do more than just say they love me. they show affection and i feel so awkward. honestly, who does the affection thing anymore? they took me to a porn shop for our traditional pitas and porn night. there is a guy that works there named atom and he's gay. they love him, too. i walked into the porn shop and atom looks at me and says, "impressive." we all stop and i say, "what is?" and he said, "you." he also said i pulled my outfit off very well. becca and tiffany laughed while i blushed and hid. we headed back with a new gay porn and i cuddled with my cuddle buddy and fell asleep. romantic, right?

fattiemattie @ 2005-01-31T10:34:00

2005-01-31T18:38:51Z

i've found that being sick and kill bill, volumes 1 and 2, are a great combination. i have done this much for my economics class all weekend: 0. stress is starting to take over and we all know what that means. i can't even say it, so i'll leave a letter out. acn_. i have a paper due thursday and i would rather drop the class than write it. motivate me.

fattiemattie @ 2005-01-22T20:29:00

2005-01-23T04:34:01Z

if someone sang this song to me, i think i would melt. if you've seen the movie closer, you've heard it before. it makes me feel lonely, though pretty much everything does that now. you're right, aiden, i won't let anyone open me up. i am and will remain a "cold hearted bitch" with no remorse. it's safer that way. oh, and please pray for that "glimmer of humanity" you saw. i think it's all i have left. give yourself two weeks; you'll be over it - cross my heart.

fattiemattie @ 2005-01-05T23:51:00

2005-01-06T08:07:03Z

i feel sorry for existing, though i know i really shouldn't. let me get out all of my apologies before you ask any questions: i'm sorry i didn't go to canada, spur of the moment when i didn't really want to. i'm sorry that i didn't risk screwing aneta at the border to go. i'm sorry that i decided to save my money, like i need to be doing, instead of spending it. i'm sorry that i didn't go because i didn't want to fight with my mom. i'm sorry that you don't think these reasons are valid. i'm sorry that i didn't let you own me for the two days you requested off for me. i'm sorry that our friendship is so fickle that something as stupid as this will keep you from talking to me. i'm sorry for freaking out when you tell me about how you're re-dating. i'm sorry that i can't talk about him with you. i'm sorry that i'm still not totally ok with it. i'm sorry that i want to watch a movie with you that you don't want to watch. i'm sorry that an afternoon of being with him at the mall means you can't spend any of the evening with me. i'm sorry that i'm late getting out to your car. i'm sorry that every morning i have to wait for my stepdad before i can get ready. i'm sorry that you find me so unattractive. i'm sorry for ruining 10 minutes of your life trying to befriend you. i'm sorry that i can't forget when people do bad things to me. i'm sorry that i can't pay for everything on my own right now. i'm sorry that the way i dress embarrasses you. i'm sorry that i don't go see grandma enough to do her checks. i'm sorry that you don't see me a lot while i'm working on the weekends. i'm sorry for eating those potato chips. i'm sorry that i stand up for myself.

"you not going isn't fair to aneta."
"we need to work on this getting here early thing."
"why are you wearing a pink sweater? do i want to know why you're wearing a pink sweater?"
"i love you. i don't tell you that enough. but i love you."
"it looks like you're trying to show off. not that you have anything to show off."
"you, mariko, and i will go out to cucina cucina to celebrate getting my braces off."
"i think that's ugly."
"you only got a b average?"
"you always wanted your son to wear a tie. now he is, it's just not tight around his neck...yet."
"you look sad. why?"
"you're like the stupid one."
"you haven't dated in a long time. are you worried about that?"
"that guy's such a faggot."
"we did a favor for you by not making you close on a school night. now you're doing one for us. you're going to work friday night at 5:30."

one day i'll be leaving here. it's just not coming soon enough.

fattiemattie @ 2004-12-07T00:25:00

2004-12-07T08:44:49Z

i know, right? it's been awhile. i've been thinking a lot lately (a problem which i thought i had solved). i've been pushing boys away for so long now while telling myself i don't want anything to do with them. truth is, i do. i just can't. first there's my awkwardness. i say things and laugh too hard about them. i make too many jokes too quickly, too. then there's the fact that everyone thinks i'm cute. "that was the cutest face." "you're so cute that i just want to put you in a box and put you in my pocket and take you out when i feel sad." "what you said was so cute." cute's a shy and chubby person with character. gay guys don't want cute. it's either twink, jock, or some combination of the two. i don't want a gay guy. i want a guy. i want one that likes boy things and has straight friends who doesn't dress perfectly and has a little pooch in his stomach. i want one who will play around with me without worrying about looking dumb or messing himself up. he has to be scared to ask about sex after dating for months. so maybe i'm not pushing boys away. just the gay ones and that's fine with me.

fattiemattie @ 2004-11-17T00:05:00

2004-11-17T08:16:27Z

i hate you. i hate that i still think about the terrible things that you did. i hate that other people like you. why can't they see how awful you are? i might be a snob and occasionally superficial, but you're a fucking "elitist." and you're not that hot. and your job is kind of trashy. and you're rude. and you make no sense. you don't care about anyone but yourself. i don't think about you in the good way...no...i think about how rude i would be to you if i saw you and i smile and for the first time since i met the REAL you, i feel happy again. you're such an asshole. i wish i could just tear you down to your face. you fucking deserve it. i dress better than you, i have better friends than you have, i'm smarter than you (by a huge margin), and i have good morals. i say all this while hating who i am. that means i really must hate you and think really lowly of you (explanation for your simple mind). i wish i could run into you because, baby, it'd be a day you would never forget. i promise, narcissus (the ugly version).

fattiemattie @ 2004-11-15T21:56:00

2004-11-16T05:59:57Z

me at halloween a long ass time ago. i used to be so cute.

fattiemattie @ 2004-11-13T00:05:00

2004-11-13T08:09:52Z

some things i need to cover for today:

1) i talked to my manager. i still work friday, saturday, and sunday, but after two weeks from friday, i no longer have the saturday opening shift. i was getting burnt out, bitches.

2) i took a nap this afternoon. the boy was back and, let me tell you, he didn't disappoint. i am falling in love with the boy of my dreams - literally. D:

fattiemattie @ 2004-11-11T12:47:00

2004-11-11T21:11:55Z

a dream is a wish your heart makes...right?

last night i had a dream. i don't know whether to call it good or bad because it was one of those dreams that gives you exactly what you want, but you wake up to discover that it's not true. this dream was so vividly real and the story was plausible. it was halloween night. i was out with ALL of my dear friends: katie, mariko, aneta, and siobhan. we went to a party that some of siobhan's friends were throwing. we hadn't met these people before. there was this boy there - he was the one throwing the party and was really cute. weirdly, he was also named matt. he kept looking at me and talking to me so i asked siobhan if he was interested. she said that he was extremely interested. so we flirted and i grew to really like him. we exchanged numbers and i left with my friends. the next weekend, he threw another party specifically asking siobhan to bring me. he hadn't called at all that week, so i was a bit discouraged. when we got there, one of his friends told me that he thought i wasn't that interested in him and that he was really scared because he had never had feelings for a guy before. he said that matt told him he couldn't help but feel that way about me. he felt badly thinking that i wasn't interested, so he went to go pass out in his room. i talked to siobhan about it and she said that he really wanted me to go in there and sleep with him. in the dream i said, "i really want to, also. i mean non-sexually...i just want to lay there with him." siobhan said, "of course...now go in there. he really wants to be with you." the door was only a few feet away from us. i found it strange that he wanted to sleep when there was a party going on in his apartment. i walked up to the door and opened it and stepped inside. it was pitch black. then i woke up and i realized it was all a dream when i looked and saw no one next to me. i was painfully alone. i wanted to go back to sleep just so i could be with him. i know it wasn't real, but i had never felt so comfortable with another person. ironically, his name was matt and when i went in to go be with him, i woke up by myself. think someone is trying to show me that i'm right about being alone? i do.